Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize