He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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