You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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