I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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