We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
