Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
