I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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