i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
