there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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