Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
