I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
