This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize