I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize