She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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