The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
