and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
