I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
