Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
