my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
