my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
home. puking in laundry basket.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
