Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
