I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i think i scared a bird with my dick
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
