The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
