i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
