I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
