i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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