Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
