i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's never too late to be topless.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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