made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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