I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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