We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
