I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
