thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
