I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize