I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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