Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He did a backflip because drugs
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
