So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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