I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize