So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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