Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
