You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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