My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
