i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
