I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
