It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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