I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
