Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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