WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
