well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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