does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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