I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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