the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Please, let me fuck your mom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize