i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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