please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
