im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
