I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
time to smoke my breakfast
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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