sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
