Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
