my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
