so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
